We used to do this exercise during corporate exercise at the Honor Academy where you start off standing, then do a squat, to a pushup, to a squat, to a push up, to a squat, then stand back up. that was one. then repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. we did it as many times as Mr. Neil made us, which usually went until only the unhuman people could still do them the right way, and the rest of us normal people were wailing in pain and torture....its safe to say that i think it made it into my top 10 most hated activities in life. maybe it was the repetition, or that it made all the blood run to my head and made me feel like i wanted to die. maybe it was what it made me feel like getting out of bed the next morning. i dont know. i was usually able to finish all of them, merely because i knew that they HAD to end. he couldnt make us do them forever. our muscles dont have that much ATP. i wish i remembered what they were called.
life feels a bit like that exercise right now. updownupdowndupdownupdown. i felt like for once in my life, this summer was actually planned out. in a mature, adulthood kind of way. like, everything i was doing made sense in my head, and i had actually planned it out ahead of time. i was going to EMT school for 2 weeks, paid for, with recently attained CPR certification and housing in Indiana set up while i was taking the class. then i had a job set up in lexington when i returned to begin my first medical job. the beginning of my medical missions career. until i broke my hand 2 weeks before the course started, then no more EMT school. no more summer plans.
do i go home? do i stay here and try to find work? people dont like to hire broken hands. where do i stay? how do i pay rent? did this happen for a reason, or did i just happen to run into a pole playing frisbee and break my hand for no purpose? Does God have a hand in this type of thing, or did i just screw it up because i shouldnt have been throwing the frisbee on a tennis court?
so i ask-what do you want, Lord? is your hand in this? does it really matter what i do? i could work at brusters at minimum wage (please God, no), or sonny's bbq. volunteer at a refugee clinic, but not really do a whole lot with the patients because i have no training or experience. how will i pay rent with no job? i could go home, but i really would rather not live at home this summer...
i just cant help feeling like there is a whole lot more to this summer than scooping ice cream. its like im going 100 miles per hour in a car without a steering wheel. Jesus is in the car with me (corny, right? but stay with me). amidst the chaos of me freaking out because of this unfortunate situation, he looks over and simply asks, "do you trust Me?" and of course, without thinking about it a whole lot i say yes (but i dont really know if i believe myself). but then He looks right into my eyes. like he knows that i dont really believe Him as someone that can be trusted...He says my name this time though..."James- i really can be trusted. do you trust me?" what the heck? YES, i told you yes already, just tell me what you want...(the frustration is my defense mechanism because the car is still going 100 miles per hour without a steering wheel, and i am yet to see a solution to the problem). he leans in closer this time, and i can see the calm..the lack of worry..the peace in His eyes. with the most warm, loving, kind-hearted response, he looks at me again and says, "then act like it."
He can be trusted. just a friendly reminder to myself.
Matt. 6:30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Monday, August 3, 2009
success.
so...ive decided to continue this diary of mine that i had goin strong for 3 posts. i need to process my thoughts a little better than i have been i think.
had lunch with david eldrige a while back, and it was one of the most thought provoking conversations that ive had in a really long time. he asked what we defined as success- not as in the sunday school answer of success....but like. for real. when we look at out lives 60 years down the road, or even 5 years down the road, what are we aiming for? it seems like a pretty easy question, to which most christians would answer "being obedient" or "doing everything God tells me to do." are those wrong answers? no..BUT, what we said next is what threw me off a little.
we live out of what is inside of our hearts, right? i mean...you know the saying, the heart is the wellspring of life (thank you Pslams). we can only live faking it for only so long, but eventually, the condition of my heart is going to be revealed and brought into the light, because i cant pretend for forever. im not saying that i am, but i am saying there are things in my heart that need to still be worked out while there isnt much to lose. feelin me? so- what i define TRULY as success is coming from what my heart wants. so i want to be a medical missionary. what does success look like for a medical missionary? to save 500 people from dying? to convert a whole village to christianity and teach them hygene? to plant 3 churches and care for the sick in the area?
the funny thing is, after 20 years, ive never stopped to think about it, and its eating me alive. why do i really want to do missions? david said something, that sadly didnt really shock me. he said that 75% of people that go into pastoral ministry do so because of ego. either their ego was too small, so they needed to feel needed by people who came to them for direction and guidance and advice, or their ego was too big and they needed someone to listen to all the things they had to say. im sure its closer to 90% for worship leaders.. or maybe not that high. whatever. the point is that ive never truly dug into my heart for what my real motives are. what is success to me? its something that i am going to be thinking about a lot. maybe there arent any hidden motives, i dont know. but if there ARE, then i want to deal with them NOW, before i get on the mission field with a wife, 2 kids, a church supporting me, and no idea what or why the heck im on the field.
i know ive been called. i know ive been gifted. i know its what i love to do. but if im shooting to just start a church and get the church a good building and grow it to 1500 members, what happens after the Lord does that? what if the Lord has plans 235124398 bigger than i could ever imagine, but i dont let Him work through me cause i think ive done all i can do and retire to a condo on the beach in panama city?
i dont even know what im saying anymore. ok. organized thoughts, here we go.
a.w. tozer said that the most important thing about a person is what they thought about when they thought about God. because the way that we think about God effects the way that we relate to God, which in turn effects everything about our entire existence.
so what about when i fail? (aka, falling short of the success i was hoping for)....do i give up? do i press on? what do i define as failing? if all revolves around how i see my relationship with Jesus. my daddy. the one who formed me in my mother's womb. who saw my entire life before i was even concieved. who, even when i DO fail, and screw up, and fall short, and am ignorant, and foolish, and fickle, and all the other things that humans are and do- he STILL saw that, and STILL jesus died for me, knowing i was going to do it.
wow.
had lunch with david eldrige a while back, and it was one of the most thought provoking conversations that ive had in a really long time. he asked what we defined as success- not as in the sunday school answer of success....but like. for real. when we look at out lives 60 years down the road, or even 5 years down the road, what are we aiming for? it seems like a pretty easy question, to which most christians would answer "being obedient" or "doing everything God tells me to do." are those wrong answers? no..BUT, what we said next is what threw me off a little.
we live out of what is inside of our hearts, right? i mean...you know the saying, the heart is the wellspring of life (thank you Pslams). we can only live faking it for only so long, but eventually, the condition of my heart is going to be revealed and brought into the light, because i cant pretend for forever. im not saying that i am, but i am saying there are things in my heart that need to still be worked out while there isnt much to lose. feelin me? so- what i define TRULY as success is coming from what my heart wants. so i want to be a medical missionary. what does success look like for a medical missionary? to save 500 people from dying? to convert a whole village to christianity and teach them hygene? to plant 3 churches and care for the sick in the area?
the funny thing is, after 20 years, ive never stopped to think about it, and its eating me alive. why do i really want to do missions? david said something, that sadly didnt really shock me. he said that 75% of people that go into pastoral ministry do so because of ego. either their ego was too small, so they needed to feel needed by people who came to them for direction and guidance and advice, or their ego was too big and they needed someone to listen to all the things they had to say. im sure its closer to 90% for worship leaders.. or maybe not that high. whatever. the point is that ive never truly dug into my heart for what my real motives are. what is success to me? its something that i am going to be thinking about a lot. maybe there arent any hidden motives, i dont know. but if there ARE, then i want to deal with them NOW, before i get on the mission field with a wife, 2 kids, a church supporting me, and no idea what or why the heck im on the field.
i know ive been called. i know ive been gifted. i know its what i love to do. but if im shooting to just start a church and get the church a good building and grow it to 1500 members, what happens after the Lord does that? what if the Lord has plans 235124398 bigger than i could ever imagine, but i dont let Him work through me cause i think ive done all i can do and retire to a condo on the beach in panama city?
i dont even know what im saying anymore. ok. organized thoughts, here we go.
a.w. tozer said that the most important thing about a person is what they thought about when they thought about God. because the way that we think about God effects the way that we relate to God, which in turn effects everything about our entire existence.
so what about when i fail? (aka, falling short of the success i was hoping for)....do i give up? do i press on? what do i define as failing? if all revolves around how i see my relationship with Jesus. my daddy. the one who formed me in my mother's womb. who saw my entire life before i was even concieved. who, even when i DO fail, and screw up, and fall short, and am ignorant, and foolish, and fickle, and all the other things that humans are and do- he STILL saw that, and STILL jesus died for me, knowing i was going to do it.
wow.
Monday, February 12, 2007
All grown up.
so since i left home theres been quite a few changes in my life. some may not seem very monumental to you, but they are to me. im becomin a man now. let me share some of them with you.
1. LAUNDRY- this is probably one of the most significant changes in my life. no longer do my clothes magically appear clean and dumped on my floor, waiting for me to fold. ive discovered this entire new world of pretty smelling detergents and fabric softener and that those little white sheets you put in the dryer actually do do something. it's kind of exciting, because i feel like im all on my own, but then its not so cool, because doing laundry stinks. i mean you have to set aside like 3 hours of your day so that you can wear clothes that dont smell and you have to fold them and fix all your socks that turned inside out (which takes forEVER, and HOW DO THEY TURN INSIDE OUT? it doesnt make logical sense). i say let me wear my clothes the way i want and dont judge me if they smell. so WHAT if ive worn the same pants for 2 weeks. if i stay moving you cant really even smell them, so whats the big deal? sigh.
2. GAS- yes, it is nice to have a car. yes, i am extremely thankful to my wonderful parents for allowing me to take their car to texas for a year. i mean, paying for gas is a pretty small sacrafice for being allowed to drive. the only thing is, is that when youre like part of the 19% of the 700 people that have a car here, people tend to notice you a little more. heres an example..."hey james, me and some people were talking and we were gonna go to applebees for lunch after church...we were wondering if you wanted to come?" then i usually respond with, "whats your name? you dont want me to come just because i have a car and you have no other way of getting there do you?" then they respond with, "you have a CAR?? man, thats weird. i didnt know that. but yea, we need a way to get there, wanna go?" sigh. THEN, after out of the bottom of your heart you take them to their destination (and everything here is atleast a 30 mile round trip), you say, "hey, if you guys dont mind, could some people chip in a couple bucks for gas?", everyone in the car goes silent, and i get a dollar. but thats alright. i cant complain. i love paying for people mooching off me. im just a servant i guess....
3. RAMEN- ive been a ramen fan since i came from the womb. ive eaten it when i was sick, ive eaten it when i was well, ive eaten it in the little cup thingy, and ive even eaten dry. i love ramen. it was only until i began the journey of living away from home that i gained a new love and respect for it. you can get like 12 packages of those jokers for a buck twenty five. i mean yes, it does have its down sides, but for a buck twenty five i dont even care. its beautiful. i started to think one day while i was eating it though, how to they make this stuff? then i imagined like a bunch of melted animal fat, flour, and buckets and buckets of salt being dumped into a big pot, and thats as far as i took it. i dont want to know. and i dont care. its my favorite and thats that. i do kinda wish mrs. dejarnett taught me how to cook though...
there are many other things that ive learned and grown in over the past 6 months, and i plan on writing more about them, but for now thats all. as you can see, the opportunities for things to learn out here are endless. the sky is the limit.
1. LAUNDRY- this is probably one of the most significant changes in my life. no longer do my clothes magically appear clean and dumped on my floor, waiting for me to fold. ive discovered this entire new world of pretty smelling detergents and fabric softener and that those little white sheets you put in the dryer actually do do something. it's kind of exciting, because i feel like im all on my own, but then its not so cool, because doing laundry stinks. i mean you have to set aside like 3 hours of your day so that you can wear clothes that dont smell and you have to fold them and fix all your socks that turned inside out (which takes forEVER, and HOW DO THEY TURN INSIDE OUT? it doesnt make logical sense). i say let me wear my clothes the way i want and dont judge me if they smell. so WHAT if ive worn the same pants for 2 weeks. if i stay moving you cant really even smell them, so whats the big deal? sigh.
2. GAS- yes, it is nice to have a car. yes, i am extremely thankful to my wonderful parents for allowing me to take their car to texas for a year. i mean, paying for gas is a pretty small sacrafice for being allowed to drive. the only thing is, is that when youre like part of the 19% of the 700 people that have a car here, people tend to notice you a little more. heres an example..."hey james, me and some people were talking and we were gonna go to applebees for lunch after church...we were wondering if you wanted to come?" then i usually respond with, "whats your name? you dont want me to come just because i have a car and you have no other way of getting there do you?" then they respond with, "you have a CAR?? man, thats weird. i didnt know that. but yea, we need a way to get there, wanna go?" sigh. THEN, after out of the bottom of your heart you take them to their destination (and everything here is atleast a 30 mile round trip), you say, "hey, if you guys dont mind, could some people chip in a couple bucks for gas?", everyone in the car goes silent, and i get a dollar. but thats alright. i cant complain. i love paying for people mooching off me. im just a servant i guess....
3. RAMEN- ive been a ramen fan since i came from the womb. ive eaten it when i was sick, ive eaten it when i was well, ive eaten it in the little cup thingy, and ive even eaten dry. i love ramen. it was only until i began the journey of living away from home that i gained a new love and respect for it. you can get like 12 packages of those jokers for a buck twenty five. i mean yes, it does have its down sides, but for a buck twenty five i dont even care. its beautiful. i started to think one day while i was eating it though, how to they make this stuff? then i imagined like a bunch of melted animal fat, flour, and buckets and buckets of salt being dumped into a big pot, and thats as far as i took it. i dont want to know. and i dont care. its my favorite and thats that. i do kinda wish mrs. dejarnett taught me how to cook though...
there are many other things that ive learned and grown in over the past 6 months, and i plan on writing more about them, but for now thats all. as you can see, the opportunities for things to learn out here are endless. the sky is the limit.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
I'm not the boy I once was, but I'm not the man I'll be.
well i dont really have a great reason for making this thing, except for the sole reason to keep in contact with people. i really dont like facebook...or myspace...or xanga...i dont really know yet why this is different but im doing it none the less.
I feel like i have not kept up a relationship with a single person back home. not one. no one knows what is going on in my life at "that place in texas where james is", what im doing, what im learning, and i dont know whats going on in any of your lives. when i say your, im referring to the few people that i know will read this, and they so happen to be the people i care about quite a bit. so there you have it.
i guess to start off...if you have no idea what im doing, im at an internship in texas called the Honor Academy. No, its not an advanced placement school for really smart kids or a missionary society or a cult. its a year long internship that was developed to train up leaders in our generation to get vision for their lives, wisdom, and discipline, and to get a solid foundation in their lives with the Lord before they go off into the world. the Honor Academy is apart of Teen Mania Ministries, which is an organization that puts on huge youth conferences and stadium events around the country called aquire the fire, as well as sending out around 5000 teenagers all of the world every summer through Global Expeditions. interns run teen mania basically, so while our lives are being molded and changed and refined and stretched, we are running a ministry that is reaching hundreds of thousands of teenagers lives around the country. bascially i am taking classes on character development, leadership, missions, apologetics, and a classes about developing into a man and being a father and a husband. i am on the phones calling to bring people to the honor academy as my job in the ministry. at first i though that i was basically going to be a telemarketer for teen mania, but i was very wrong. every day on the phone i talk to a hungry, dying, and hurting generation. i talk to teens who are enveloped in drug addiction, addicted to pornography, kids who are in dark depression so much that they are cutting themselves and contemplating suicide. every day. it has definitely opened my eyes to what is going on in this generation, and how desperate our youth are for something solid to grab ahold of, something constant, something that will fill the gaping hole in their heart that they are desperately trying to fill with lies from satan that are leading them straight to hell.
this place is changing my life. i never imagined that the Lord would be using me to speak life into people who are dying and without hope and bringing them the truth and life that Jesus Christ can give them.
i am learning a lot. i am growing a lot. i have much more to learn, and i have a ton more growing to do. it is so easy to forget about why i am here though...this is the most busy that i have ever been in my entire life, hands down. i feel terrible because i havent kept in contact with the people that i love, and at some points i feel like i have gotten too busy for the Lord. i know it when that happens, and i hate it. all that i want is go deeper. to know His heart, to know his love that surpasses knowledge, to fall more in love with him every day. i want to be the man that He wants to be, and for Him to be able to use me with no restrictions.
as i said. i am learning. as the great band mewithoutYou says, "im not the boy that i once was, but im not the man ill be."
i want to know whats going on in your lives. i really do. i want to stay in contact and will do the very best that i can to do so. dont worry, not all of these will ridiculously deep or depressing. i will try to get my creative juices flowing, or lack there of.
I feel like i have not kept up a relationship with a single person back home. not one. no one knows what is going on in my life at "that place in texas where james is", what im doing, what im learning, and i dont know whats going on in any of your lives. when i say your, im referring to the few people that i know will read this, and they so happen to be the people i care about quite a bit. so there you have it.
i guess to start off...if you have no idea what im doing, im at an internship in texas called the Honor Academy. No, its not an advanced placement school for really smart kids or a missionary society or a cult. its a year long internship that was developed to train up leaders in our generation to get vision for their lives, wisdom, and discipline, and to get a solid foundation in their lives with the Lord before they go off into the world. the Honor Academy is apart of Teen Mania Ministries, which is an organization that puts on huge youth conferences and stadium events around the country called aquire the fire, as well as sending out around 5000 teenagers all of the world every summer through Global Expeditions. interns run teen mania basically, so while our lives are being molded and changed and refined and stretched, we are running a ministry that is reaching hundreds of thousands of teenagers lives around the country. bascially i am taking classes on character development, leadership, missions, apologetics, and a classes about developing into a man and being a father and a husband. i am on the phones calling to bring people to the honor academy as my job in the ministry. at first i though that i was basically going to be a telemarketer for teen mania, but i was very wrong. every day on the phone i talk to a hungry, dying, and hurting generation. i talk to teens who are enveloped in drug addiction, addicted to pornography, kids who are in dark depression so much that they are cutting themselves and contemplating suicide. every day. it has definitely opened my eyes to what is going on in this generation, and how desperate our youth are for something solid to grab ahold of, something constant, something that will fill the gaping hole in their heart that they are desperately trying to fill with lies from satan that are leading them straight to hell.
this place is changing my life. i never imagined that the Lord would be using me to speak life into people who are dying and without hope and bringing them the truth and life that Jesus Christ can give them.
i am learning a lot. i am growing a lot. i have much more to learn, and i have a ton more growing to do. it is so easy to forget about why i am here though...this is the most busy that i have ever been in my entire life, hands down. i feel terrible because i havent kept in contact with the people that i love, and at some points i feel like i have gotten too busy for the Lord. i know it when that happens, and i hate it. all that i want is go deeper. to know His heart, to know his love that surpasses knowledge, to fall more in love with him every day. i want to be the man that He wants to be, and for Him to be able to use me with no restrictions.
as i said. i am learning. as the great band mewithoutYou says, "im not the boy that i once was, but im not the man ill be."
i want to know whats going on in your lives. i really do. i want to stay in contact and will do the very best that i can to do so. dont worry, not all of these will ridiculously deep or depressing. i will try to get my creative juices flowing, or lack there of.
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