do you trust me?

We used to do this exercise during corporate exercise at the Honor Academy where you start off standing, then do a squat, to a pushup, to a squat, to a push up, to a squat, then stand back up. that was one. then repeat. repeat. repeat. repeat. we did it as many times as Mr. Neil made us, which usually went until only the unhuman people could still do them the right way, and the rest of us normal people were wailing in pain and torture....its safe to say that i think it made it into my top 10 most hated activities in life. maybe it was the repetition, or that it made all the blood run to my head and made me feel like i wanted to die. maybe it was what it made me feel like getting out of bed the next morning. i dont know. i was usually able to finish all of them, merely because i knew that they HAD to end. he couldnt make us do them forever. our muscles dont have that much ATP. i wish i remembered what they were called.

life feels a bit like that exercise right now. updownupdowndupdownupdown. i felt like for once in my life, this summer was actually planned out. in a mature, adulthood kind of way. like, everything i was doing made sense in my head, and i had actually planned it out ahead of time. i was going to EMT school for 2 weeks, paid for, with recently attained CPR certification and housing in Indiana set up while i was taking the class. then i had a job set up in lexington when i returned to begin my first medical job. the beginning of my medical missions career. until i broke my hand 2 weeks before the course started, then no more EMT school. no more summer plans.

do i go home? do i stay here and try to find work? people dont like to hire broken hands. where do i stay? how do i pay rent? did this happen for a reason, or did i just happen to run into a pole playing frisbee and break my hand for no purpose? Does God have a hand in this type of thing, or did i just screw it up because i shouldnt have been throwing the frisbee on a tennis court?

so i ask-what do you want, Lord? is your hand in this? does it really matter what i do? i could work at brusters at minimum wage (please God, no), or sonny's bbq. volunteer at a refugee clinic, but not really do a whole lot with the patients because i have no training or experience. how will i pay rent with no job? i could go home, but i really would rather not live at home this summer...

i just cant help feeling like there is a whole lot more to this summer than scooping ice cream. its like im going 100 miles per hour in a car without a steering wheel. Jesus is in the car with me (corny, right? but stay with me). amidst the chaos of me freaking out because of this unfortunate situation, he looks over and simply asks, "do you trust Me?" and of course, without thinking about it a whole lot i say yes (but i dont really know if i believe myself). but then He looks right into my eyes. like he knows that i dont really believe Him as someone that can be trusted...He says my name this time though..."James- i really can be trusted. do you trust me?" what the heck? YES, i told you yes already, just tell me what you want...(the frustration is my defense mechanism because the car is still going 100 miles per hour without a steering wheel, and i am yet to see a solution to the problem). he leans in closer this time, and i can see the calm..the lack of worry..the peace in His eyes. with the most warm, loving, kind-hearted response, he looks at me again and says, "then act like it."

He can be trusted. just a friendly reminder to myself.

Matt. 6:30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?