success.

so...ive decided to continue this diary of mine that i had goin strong for 3 posts. i need to process my thoughts a little better than i have been i think.
had lunch with david eldrige a while back, and it was one of the most thought provoking conversations that ive had in a really long time. he asked what we defined as success- not as in the sunday school answer of success....but like. for real. when we look at out lives 60 years down the road, or even 5 years down the road, what are we aiming for? it seems like a pretty easy question, to which most christians would answer "being obedient" or "doing everything God tells me to do." are those wrong answers? no..BUT, what we said next is what threw me off a little.

we live out of what is inside of our hearts, right? i mean...you know the saying, the heart is the wellspring of life (thank you Pslams). we can only live faking it for only so long, but eventually, the condition of my heart is going to be revealed and brought into the light, because i cant pretend for forever. im not saying that i am, but i am saying there are things in my heart that need to still be worked out while there isnt much to lose. feelin me? so- what i define TRULY as success is coming from what my heart wants. so i want to be a medical missionary. what does success look like for a medical missionary? to save 500 people from dying? to convert a whole village to christianity and teach them hygene? to plant 3 churches and care for the sick in the area?
the funny thing is, after 20 years, ive never stopped to think about it, and its eating me alive. why do i really want to do missions? david said something, that sadly didnt really shock me. he said that 75% of people that go into pastoral ministry do so because of ego. either their ego was too small, so they needed to feel needed by people who came to them for direction and guidance and advice, or their ego was too big and they needed someone to listen to all the things they had to say. im sure its closer to 90% for worship leaders.. or maybe not that high. whatever. the point is that ive never truly dug into my heart for what my real motives are. what is success to me? its something that i am going to be thinking about a lot. maybe there arent any hidden motives, i dont know. but if there ARE, then i want to deal with them NOW, before i get on the mission field with a wife, 2 kids, a church supporting me, and no idea what or why the heck im on the field.
i know ive been called. i know ive been gifted. i know its what i love to do. but if im shooting to just start a church and get the church a good building and grow it to 1500 members, what happens after the Lord does that? what if the Lord has plans 235124398 bigger than i could ever imagine, but i dont let Him work through me cause i think ive done all i can do and retire to a condo on the beach in panama city?
i dont even know what im saying anymore. ok. organized thoughts, here we go.

a.w. tozer said that the most important thing about a person is what they thought about when they thought about God. because the way that we think about God effects the way that we relate to God, which in turn effects everything about our entire existence.
so what about when i fail? (aka, falling short of the success i was hoping for)....do i give up? do i press on? what do i define as failing? if all revolves around how i see my relationship with Jesus. my daddy. the one who formed me in my mother's womb. who saw my entire life before i was even concieved. who, even when i DO fail, and screw up, and fall short, and am ignorant, and foolish, and fickle, and all the other things that humans are and do- he STILL saw that, and STILL jesus died for me, knowing i was going to do it.

wow.